Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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