Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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