dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
