It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
