Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
