Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
