god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
