Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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