My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize