I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
