Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
