Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
