ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
