GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
