It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
