I should be sponsored by Trojan
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
