Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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