it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
