there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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