A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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