so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
