I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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