I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
