i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
