I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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