If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
