I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
