this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize