Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
