i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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