I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
