totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
