Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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