Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
