you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
