Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
