I cockslap morals
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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