at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
