CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My feet surprised me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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