ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
