I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
