I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
