I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
and she was petting her beer can
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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