omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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