How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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