She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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