they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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