just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
