sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
