I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
