I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
